A Little Holiday Driving Advice

The New Year is almost upon us and it's my sincere hope that all drivers out there can make a few resolutions about how they'll handle their vehicles in the upcoming year. The following are a sample of some resolutions that I'd like to see people embrace that would make my life easier:

1) When it snows on you car, please clean the snow off of more than just a one square foot spot on the front windshield in front of your own face. It doesn't take much more time to brush the snow off the back window and it may actually help you to see what is going on in the other dimensions in which you car travels. While you're at it, brush off the snow on top of your car as well. This will be appreciated by those traveling behind you so that they don't have to deal with the whiteout created by your car. If you're too goddamn lazy to brush off your car, clean some shit out of your garage so you can use it for its intended purpose, parking your car.

2) People need to make several resolutions regarding turn signals. These include, but are not limited to, the following:
a) Please actually use a turn signal. If you're going to yell at me or give me the finger, it would be helpful if I at least knew your intentions so that I could better assess the grievous error I've apparently committed.
b) Understand that just because you put your turn signal on, I am not obliged to let you cut in front of me. It is a courtesy for me to do so, not your birthrite. If I do allow you in, it would not kill you to give an appreciative hand wave.
c) Do not put on your turn signal after you've already started cutting in front of me. That does not make it okay, nor does it in any way lessen my desire to cave in your skull with a Louisville Slugger.
d) If you are stopped at a light and intend to turn, do not wait until the light turns green to turn on your turn signal. The whole point of a turn "signal" is to signal people as to your intentions so that they can take appropriate action. Not using the device in advance really misses the whole point and confirms that you have an IQ at least one standard deviation below the mean.

3) If there is no one in front of you and traffic lights are green, there is no reason to hit your brakes. We all know these people. They incessantly tap their brakes every few feet as if maintaining some sort of vigil for the imaginary deaf child at play who never materializes. You do not have to hit your brakes because something is happening on the side of the road traveling in the opposite direction. You do not have to hit your brakes beause the person in the next lane traveling in the same direction has hit his/her brakes. Just drive the fucking car. If no one stops in front of you and the lights are green, there is no reason to apply your brakes.

4) Okay folks, ostensibly we all passed driver's ed. Apparently, however, some people need a refresher. On a 4 lane road, you do not have to stop for a stopped school bus traveling in the opposite direction from you. I know the little darlings are our future and we're all trying to be hyper-safe but you are a menace if you stop when you're not supposed to. Keep in mind that all the people who passed driver's ed without writing the answers on their palm are not expecting you to stop. If you decide to make up your own laws when driving, don't be surprised if someone follows you home and covers your car with feces.

I could easily go on and on but in the spirit of the holidays, I'll just leave it at these few notions that have been particularly distressing to me in 2008. I doubt anyone will change. We all think we're phenomenal drivers just as we think everyone else is fat, or a bad parent, or not good in bed. All I know is that every time I drive I'm grateful that I haven't yet obtained my concealed carry permit.