I Hate Jerry Seinfeld!

I really hate Jerry Seinfeld. Okay, maybe that's too strong of a word to use for someone I don't really know but let me at least say that I hate the public personna that is Jerry Seinfeld. I used to watch his show and while I'm sure his writing had a lot to do with the show being funny, on the show itself I always thought he was the weakest link. Michael Richards and Jason Alexander were arguably the most talented of the main characters and what made the show work was the ensemble, including many of the recurrent ancillary characters.

Despite the success of the show, I've never liked Jerry Seinfeld himself. I think his stand-up routine is overrated and gets boring pretty quickly. Even that I could tolerate but probably what I hate most is seeing his ridiculous face all the time on advertisements. Whether it's for the 'Seinfeld' DVDs, or other ads he does, or his face on magazine covers when he is promoting something, I hate the way his dumb face looks in every still photo. It always seems like he's mugging for the camera with that big-eyed, faux surprised look. As if that face alone somehow communicates, "Look out, funny guy here. Comedian. Everybody look at how funny Jerry's being." Cosby used to do the same thing with his incessant mugging. Doesn't anyone remember that awful title sequence on the Cosby show where he'd be dancing with other cast members and then at the very end on the last note of the music he'd make some funny face at the camera? Boy, that was comic gold.

Seinfeld seems to do the same thing. It's like he can just walk out and make some stupid face and everyone laughs because it's Seinfeld and he's such a genius. Personally, I'd like to smash him right in the face with a board full of nails. And now because of this idiotic "Bee Movie" that he has coming out, he's been all over the airwaves. The media practically has to change their collective diaper because Jerry Seinfeld finally did an animated movie. I've got news for Jerry and his cheap-ass animation team: Bees have SIX legs! Goddamit. It's not that expensive to draw two more fucking legs on the bees. It's bad enough to give the bees those ridiculous faces but you could at least make them somewhat anatomically correct. I hope this movie bombs worse than Michael Richards' standup act at Howard University.

I know, I know. I'm just jealous. Sure I am. I wish I could be some one trick pony and then fart $100 bills for the rest of my life. But I don't begrudge his celebrity or wealth. There's plenty of rich and famous people I'm fine with. There's just something about this guy that sets me off. He's one of these guys that you know, at the end of his life, will be referred to as a "national treasure."

Well, whenever I get too worked up about this clown, I just always think back to the Howard Stern show and the Janis Ian song parody they did. For those who don't know or remember, Janis Ian's biggest hit was the song "At Seventeen" and when Jerry started datin a 17 year old, Howard Stern had Janis Ian on and they parodied Seinfeld to her song. I think that pretty much ruined the relationship between Stern and Seinfeld but it was one of the more brilliant parodies I've heard and pretty much was the only objection anyone raised about a middle-aged guy dating a teenager. Ahh...to be famous.