Downtime

My last day of freedom is about half over. I've enjoyed a four day weekend. This is the most days I've had off in a row since last Christmas and it's interesting how days off can change your perspective. I'm not a workaholic but I have a rather unique position at my firm so sometimes it's difficult to take off, especially if I really don't have anything planned. When you work consistently, a lot of your thoughts are about work. You think about the stuff you're working on and the stuff you need to be working on. You think about the stuff at home that isn't getting done because you're working all day. When you finally have time off and can put work aside, it is interesting how a whole new set of concerns creeps in.

I generally try to be a positive person. I'm also reluctant to share alot about myself. I'll freely share opinions about topics outside my own life but I don't talk much about how I really feel inside about my life and circumstances. This has been a pretty trying year thus far. I started off the year thinking that I was getting back together with my wife (we've now been separated about 15 months). By the end of April, she chose not to move home. When she first left, it took a while to get used to being on my own again. Slowly, as things progressed, I accepted the fact that we'd probably get divorced but I left the door cracked. In the Fall, she indicated she wanted to come home. We spend Christmas together, had a nice time, and in the early months of '08 I was getting ready for her to move back. I'm not sure what happened between January and May. Could be she had cold feet, could be she met someone else. All I know is that it is extremely difficult to have someone walk out on you, finally accept it, switch gears and prepare to get back together and work things out, and then to have the rug pulled out from under you again. After that, as much as I care about her, the marriage died in my mind. We met subsequently and I thought we were going to talk about filing paperwork for dissolution when she stunned me by saying she now wanted to move home again. My heart wanted me to say yes but my head made me say no. I think it surprised and hurt her. I'm not sure I've ever felt worse.

Since then, she had to leave the place she was staying and was really having a hard time for a while. She thought about giving up the dog because her mother didn't want it staying there anymore. It was hard to find a house or apartment to rent because most wouldn't allow animals. In addition, she was working six days a week at a fairly new job so she didn't have time to really look for places and take care of things. People in her life who should care about her did not and she really didn't have anyone to help her. Because I think she's a person with a great heart, I have felt guilty and sad that she's been struggling but I could not jump in and do more to help given our situation. Things are better for her now. Work has calmed down and she find a little house to rent that allowed her to keep the dog. Still, I have the task this week of typing up dissolution papers. It's not where I thought we'd end up and not where I wanted to.

Also this weekend, I'm finally supposed to have my front door replaced by Lowes. It has been a six month ordeal of phone calls, letters, and personal visits to the store (not to mention three botched visits by the installer). All I can say is, don't shop at Lowes.

In the past two months, I put $1200 in new tires and electrical components into my old Dodge Avenger only to have it totaled 3 weeks ago by some moron who wasn't paying attention while driving and decided to ruin the day of five other drivers.

I still have to finish the rennovation of my small bathroom. I'm procrastinating because I had to replace some drywall and now working to get the new plaster coating on it which means applying plaster, sanding, applying more plaster if it not covered right, more sanding, etc. I hate plastering and sanding. I like painting, working with plumbing, cutting and putting up new molding, etc., but I hate sanding and plastering so I just keep putting it off and making excuses.

I guess the point is that while it's been nice to have 4 days off (I took my parents to Vatican Splendors and out to lunch in Little Italy, restrung my guitar, and took care of some other neglected business) it also gave me time to think about this year and what I've been through and still have to go through. I'm pretty good at being alone but I didn't think that, at 43, I was going to find myself alone again. I have no confidence or desire to date anyone, maybe because it's too soon but also because I have very little trust left in women. And as silly as it sounds, I hate that Summer is coming to an end. I like not having to wear coats. I love being outside and smelling grass and taking care of my roses and sitting on my front step playing guitar. I hate plowing snow, driving in snow, and well...snow. The only thing I really like about Winter is the silence.

Anyway, I guess this is quite rambling. After 4 days off, I'm not really ready to go back to work but being home alone has forced me to think about all the other things I still have to deal with. I have it a lot better than many people and for that, I'm thankful. Still, I'd like to know what it's like to be one of those people who seem to be able to be married forever, work at a job, come home and crack open a beer and watch TV and never seem to want for anything more than that life. I never have been, nor do I think I ever will be, satisfied. There's something good about that but just once in my life I'd like to know what it feels like.