Random Thoughts - It's Raining in my Cranium

So Cleveland has had Euclid Avenue torn up forever to work on what’s called the Euclid Corridor Project, which basically seems like a bus line from Public Square to University Circle. Regardless, it’ll be nice to have something new downtown and the brickwork they’re doing on the sidewalks really is nice. This morning I noticed that they put out some pretty cool looking stainless steel garbage can enclosures. The have designs cut out of them and are artsy and pretty nice looking. Of course, this being Cleveland, the other thing I noticed about them is that a bum was sitting on top of one of them. I know, bum isn’t politically correct but it’s funnier than “homeless person.” Besides, this kind of euphemistic language is part of why this country is in trouble. The guy is a bum. And he’s sitting on one of the nice new garbage can enclosures. Talk about a juxtaposition of where Cleveland is and where it wants to be…

Radio talks shows are much funnier when the hosts aren’t dating anyone. When Howard Stern got divorced, his show was funnier. It was more edgy and there was no more wasted time about he and his wife. Yeah, some of there fights were funny but in general the show was good when he was single. Then he started dating his girlfriend Beth and she just became too much a part of the show. Now the same thing is happening with Opie and Anthony. Anthony broke up with his long-time girlfriend a while back and it was kind of funny when they were talking about him being single and how he would find women, etc. Now he’s apparently dating Jill Nicolini, who has some sort of local fame in NYC for being a traffic girl on TV. She’s another in an endless string of halfway decent looking women who’ve posed for Playboy, dated a couple of celebrities, and deludes herself into thinking she’s successful for something other than her body. The problem is that their relationship is now a main storyline of the radio show and, honestly, it’s just not that interesting. I mean, Anthony is a millionaire radio show host. What’s so fascinating about him dating some C-list local New York bimbo? He can date a different woman who looks like her every weekend. This is just not interesting, or funny.

Speaking of women, is there a reason women cannot put on their makeup before they get in their cars in the morning? I don’t wear makeup but I do brush my teeth, shave, and fix my hair, such as it is, in the morning. I do all of these things before I start driving. Is it too much to ask for women to do the same? Not only is it unsafe but it just appears incredibly vain. And I don’t want to hear about how much women have to do in the morning if they have kids, etc. Having kids was a choice you made. Live with it. Get some help from your lazy-ass husband or get out of bed earlier. If it takes you 10 minutes to apply makeup in the car, then get up 10 minutes earlier and you’ll be all done. Better yet, skip the makeup and be who you are instead of putting on a phony mask every day.

I think the best microcosm for observing human behavior is the supermarket. I went shopping yesterday and the deli counter was great. I walked over to that area and put my cart out of the way, since it is usually busy there and I didn’t want it to take up a bunch of space. As I walk over to take my ticket, some guy with two kids pushes his cart right in front of me, right in front of the ticket machine, so he can grab a ticket. Nice. This guy looked to be about my age, maybe a little younger, wearing shorts and a ball cap and smiling and trying to make conversation with everyone around. Meanwhile, his two little hellions ran around the deli area with absolutely no hint of admonishment from Mr. Cool Dad. What an inconsiderate, oblivious, asshole.

Also at the deli, another guy got the person working the counter to give him a piece of Swiss cheese to eat. He rolls it up and starts shoving it into his fat gob and, Swiss cheese being somewhat dry and crumbly, crumbs of it are falling onto the loaves of bread below him. Then he starts talking to the deli person while still eating the cheese. An absolute pig. No wonder we Americans are so popular all over the world. At least I didn’t see a bunch of old people basically walking around and getting their entire day’s nutrition from the free samples being handed out. Jesus Christ, old people in a grocery store with free samples are like fucking seagulls at the beach if you have a box of French fries. I swear that I think they don’t eat the night before. Most people plan to eat out at Outback or TGI Fridays. I think these old people are like, “Herb, where do you want to go for lunch today, Acme or Giant Eagle?” In the words of the immortal John Wayne, “It’s gettin’ to be ri-goddamn-diculous.”