When I wrote my last post about lying, a few people responded and though the general theme was about how lying has become endemic in our society, I knew I’d be in trouble when I said that I think men and women lie differently. Blueberry pointed out that she’s been through a situation where the man lied exactly the way I claim that women lie. I feel bad about this because it sounds like a terrible situation and because I’m just tired of lying in general and every time I hear someone relay their story about it, it makes me feel awful.
The reality is that, as a man, I can only appreciate my own perspective. While I have been far from a perfect boyfriend or husband, I have never cheated on anyone I’ve dated or been married to. After writing my last post and reading the comments, I thought about all the women I’ve been with, casually or otherwise, since high school. I could not think of one of them who didn’t cheat. They didn’t all cheat on me, at least not that I knew. Some of them cheated with me. Some of them simply told me about previous episodes of cheating. But I couldn’t think of one person I had been with who hadn’t cheated.
I guess this doesn’t necessarily make women different from men. It feels that way to me because I’ve never cheated on someone I was dating. In addition, when talking with guys, the reasons I hear for cheating are different than those I hear from women. Again, I guess that doesn’t mean one is better than the other but I do think they are different.
My point really is that I’m tired of the dishonesty in the world. Not just in relationships but all over. It’s wearing me out. I don’t think that when you meet someone you should have to spend a significant amount of energy wondering what their angle is. I think you should be able to trust the person you’re with and not have to always wonder what it is you don’t know. What I don’t like about the current world of distrust is that it changes people. Since every woman I’ve ever known has cheated, it’s hard for me to believe that any woman would be faithful. I know that’s unfair but it’s reality. And it makes me less trusting of anyone I meet and that also is not fair since, ideally, the person deserves my trust until proven otherwise.
But sometimes you feel like a sap living that way. It’s almost as if people cheat preemptively. As if we just assume we’ll be cheated on so we rationalize cheating ourselves. I don’t agree with this stance. I really think that if you expect honesty, you have to be honest. You can’t say, “Well, I don’t think my husband is telling me the truth so that’s why I slept with the guy from work.” I think each of us has to uphold our own moral code, regardless of what our partners do. That’s their decision and ultimately we cannot control them. We can, however, control ourselves and live up to the standards we’d like to see in others. Are they going to fail us? Probably. Given my experience, I think we’re likely to encounter more liars than truth tellers. But ultimately I think it’s about me and not them. If someone is dishonest, I can either have them be part of my life or not. I can’t change them. But what I don’t want is to become a liar myself.
I know. This is naïve. It may also come off sounding superior and that’s not intentional. I’m not a great person. I’ve done things in my life I’m both ashamed of and for which I’m sincerely apologetic. But I’m trying to be a better person. I’m always trying to be a better person. I’m trying not to give into the temptation of being mean-spirited or uncaring as a result of the fact that so many people I meet are that way. It is really hard. It’s really hard to be hurt. It’s really hard to be lied to and made to feel foolish. Still, in the end we’re born alone and we die alone. All I have is what is in my brain and the way that I’ve lived my life. I’m trying to live it better and I think as a result I’m going to become less and less tolerant of those who aren’t. If we want society to improve, we have to demand improvement of its individuals. While I can’t accomplish that, I can at least decide who is part of my life and what I expect from them.
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3 comments:
Doc, this post raises a good point. Trust really is the basis of every human interaction, from love to legislation to commerce. As with the notion that we are all innocent until proven guilty, trust should be an assumed ingredient in any relationship recipe.
It is hard to be lied to. And then it's hard to decide how we feel about being lied to, what we want to do about it. You are spot on in observing that we can't control the decisions other people make, how they behave, or how they treat us. We can only control our own behavior and whether and how we react to being treated a certain way.
When did integrity become so unfashionable? I think it was Mark Twain who said that if you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said. Such simple advice, but near impossible to follow for so many unfortunate folks.
Thanks for this pair of thoughtful pieces.
Thanks Mando, although I don't really know how thoughtful these are. Often I am writing my posts when I have a few spare minutes and without as much thought as I'd like to give them. What I do know is that I'm experiencing a great deal of unrest. Part of it certainly has to do with the current state of my marriage but there's more to it than that. I want to be able to respect people but I'm having a hard time with it. And while I don't want to paint all women with the same brush, the fairer sex has really done little to earn my respect lately. That being said, I think I'm done worrying about this. My focus increasingly is about trying to find something meaningful to do with the second half of my life. If I have to do that alone, then so be it. I'm not willing to compromise anymore.
I didn't mean to paint all men with the same brush either. Since my partner in life is a man, and betrayed my trust with lies, and now I don't trust any men -- if I were a lesbian and my female partner did the same thing I might have taken a swipe at women in the same way. I could have just as easily said "I don't trust my partner not to ever lie to me again, no matter who it is"
It hurts to even write about these things, but they should be discussed. I don't write about these specific relationship issues on my blog because my husband reads it, and we are both trying to move on from these things. It's extremely difficult, and I don't know if 100% success is possible.
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