On the TV show House, a medical drama about a misanthropic genius diagnostician, the lead character, Greg House, repeatedly asserts that "Everybody lies." Boy, ain't it the truth? I've lied in my life but looking back on it, I can't recall lying about anything really huge. I probably have but I don't really remember it. But lately, I've been struck with just how easy and how frequently people lie.
One of the most common lies lately is about email. From the White House to Cleveland City Council, people keep lying about emails. They say they don't have emails, the emails never got backed up, the computers are to old to save emails, the emails got deleted but no one knows who did it, the emails got deleted and we know who did it but it was an accident, etc., etc.
Now, I work at one of the largest area lawfirms and my job is to assist our attorneys in managing electronic discovery. Given that experience, I can say a couple of things. Emails get saved somewhere. Whether it's on AOL's servers, an Exchange server at your office, or some other computer somewhere, emails are not instant messages. They get preserved. That being said, if emails are missing, particularly if only for a certain, conveniently relevant period of time, someone deleted them. Please stop insulting our intelligence by acting like this was just some kind of computer accident.
People also lie a ton about fidelity. Eliot Spitzer, Marc Dann, and every single woman I've ever known are all cheaters and liars who amazingly decide that it's time to come clean and turn over a new leaf at the exact moment when they finally get busted. Yes, I know a lot of men cheat too but men and women are different. When women get busted, they continue to omit certain details or minimize their activity, which is tantamount to continuing to lie.
Students lie on college applications. They take advanced placement courses so their grade point average gets inflated offering the illusion that they are somehow a great student when in reality, more college freshmen than ever are having to take remedial courses. Plagiarism is also rampant in all levels of academia.
Politicians lie about their voting records, being under fire, their knowledge of shenanigans of people in their inner circle, their actual beliefs about topics of interest, their intentions once they take office, and the source of money that got them there. Religious leaders lie about infidelities, child abuse, and embezzlement.
What does all this mean? I don't know really. I suppose people have always lied. I'm not sure if it's any different now but it does seem like there's very little penalty for it. In fact, it seems that sometimes people get rewarded for it. All I know is that it's made me a very cynical person. Between personal events in my life and this being a presidential election year, I just don't believe anyone anymore. I'd rather trust people and not think everyone has a motive in dealing with me but I can't afford to be that naive anymore. Everybody lies. It's just the way it is and you have to be especially wary when they finally profess to tell you the truth.
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7 comments:
This just breaks my heart, but I do think you're right. I'm astonished at how many people lie and how regularly. Or they just omit details, so you find out about landmark events by happenstance. Not really a lie, but it makes you question judgement of people you might otherwise trust. We have a total erosion of trust in our society. It's terribly sad.
People who lie rather pathologically must be under the delusion that they are right, as if they are not lying. Their "reality" is all that matters; no matter how wrong they are, they are impossible to convince because, well, they're batshit crazy.
Son of Mando LOVES that show. Interesting character.
I readily accept that all people lie. It happens all the time.
However, women have a very unique way of lying. In addition, they seem to have a very different motivation for doing so than men do. It's much more sinister to me.
Of course, I'm sensitive to this topic because my last three serious relationships ended with me being told quite a few lies.
If I weren't hopeful that not "all" women lie, I would give up on relationships. I can't do that though, because I do believe that there are a few good ones out there. :-)
Mando - It is a pretty good show, though predicatably the same every week. Just once I'd like to see the mystery not solved in 40 minutes.
With respect to lying, people lie by omission and commission. It's all the same to me. If you know you're not telling the truth or the whole truth, you're lying. I think there are adaptive reasons why people lie but I think that for society to function you need some havens of truth, such as in marriages or governments.
MBB - Well said. I do think men and women lie differently. If you look at cheating, I think men lie solely for the purpose of not getting caught. With women, I feel like they lie to keep the secret. Those sound like the same thing but they're not. A guy just doesn't want to face the music of getting busted but a women wants to actively keep the lie going.
All I know is that I don't trust anyone anymore and it has significantly impacted my desire to have anything more than casual relationships.
Honest to Pete. I'm 42, and yet, there's a whole world out there I know nothing about, isn't there? You two are quirky but at the core both good men, despite yourselves. I'm sorry anyone felt lying to either of you seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't understand people who decide lying is necessary, let alone, ok. I think this explains my perhaps unwarranted optimism.
So....all them country songs is true then, ain't they? Stick to bluegrass.
Mando - This is a tough topic to broach because a) I'm a guy and b) I really do think women are different in the way they lie. While I don't have many regular readers of this blog, more of them are women and I'm not necessarily looking to piss anyone off. That being said, I've really had it with women in many ways. Coming from a guy, there's always that hint of "guys are better" mentality. Guys may be no better but I don't have experience being in relationships with guys so I'm not qualified to comment on that. All I know is that most women I've met simply do not know what they want. They just know what they do want is not what they have.
"Yes, I know a lot of men cheat too but men and women are different. When women get busted, they continue to omit certain details or minimize their activity, which is tantamount to continuing to lie."
Well, I suppose it's possible that men and women lie differently or for different reasons, although I'm not thoroughly convinced (just saying I think it's plausible/possible), but I don't agree that men do not do what you mention in the example.
I went through this whole infidelity experience (as the injured party) only a few years ago. He was about to get "busted" and initially mentioned it to soften the blow. It was presented as "someone's husband that I work with might make some accusations, but I'm telling you that it's not true and we're just friends". That was the opener. From there I had to dig out the truth one level at a time. It went from:
1. we're just good friends who go out as part of a foursome for lunch.
2. OK, sometimes she and I play golf during lunch without the other two.
3. Alright, sometimes there was kissing, but only once.
4. There might have been touching.
5. It was a single mistake.
6. We never went to a motel.
7. We went to a motel a few times.
8. It went on for a few weeks.
9. It went on for a year.
So you see? It's a classic example of the situation you mention. I might never have the whole truth as long as I live.
This is not my sole experience in dealing with a man's lies, it's just that normally the relationship ends and there's no reason to keep digging for the truth. It no longer matters because you break up.
Yes, trust is gone even though there has been forgiveness, but my trust for EVERY man is gone. It can't be restored. Some injuries never heal.
This is horrible, these tales you are telling. Intellectually, I know it happens. Fundamentally, I cannot grasp the agony it's put you all through, even though I've been there. What the hell is wrong with people? And then I remember. Fallibility. All a part of humanity, I guess.
I've been thinking about this, and about some of the relationships in my own life where the trust was busted, and in some cases, restored. For me, the worst part about being lied to is the sudden realization that I'm an idiot. The things that have gone wrong in the last few years are in no small part due to my own naivete or hope. Got gut? Trust it.
I can only speak for myself but can't help but wonder if a part of what everyone hates about being lied to is the trust you lose in yourself and in your own judgement.
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