Name A Star After Somebdy!

Well, it's that time of year again. Christmas time. A time when we used to be inundated with Ronco commercials and Santa sledding in the snow on a Norelco razor. Now every year when I listen to the radio I know it's Christmas when Rocky Mosele comes on and implores me to "name a star after somebody."

The International Star Registry is a money printing operation that offers to sell you the right to name a star after anyone you want. They send you a parchment certificate, a star chart showing where your star is, and they note the name "in book form" in the U.S. copyright office. Not sure why they have to say "book form." What other form would they use? Old Edison-style recording cylinders?

Now, I think most everyone knows that the whole star naming thing is bogus. The only organization that can officially name a star is the International Astronomical Union. Therefore, when you "name a star after someone" you're basically just picking a point in the sky and assigning a name to it that no one will recognize except your own family or the person you named the star for. It doesn't matter that there's a copyrighted book that records the name. I could name all my farts and write them in a book and copyright it. Big deal. This means nothing to anyone.

Well, that's not entirely true. It does mean something to Rocky Mosele and the folks who own International Star Registry. At around $50 a pop, it's been estimated that they've "named" around one million stars since they founded their business. That's some pretty good jack for something that's basically fraudulent and meaningless.

Look, this basically irritates me because I think it's a scam. But I'm also man enough to admit that it irritates me that I didn't think of it first. I have ideas like this but I always give people too much credit for being smart enough to see through it. I think they're going to see me as a huckster and that my family and friends won't respect me anymore. I doubt Rocky has these same concerns. So, yes, I'm jealous that he had the guts to follow through on a scam I'd be ashamed to launch. He's rich and I'm not so I guess that shows you who is smarter.

Still, aside from the money, I just think this is a shitty gift. There's no thought involved and all the recipient gets is a crummy piece of paper and a star chart. Big deal. What do you do with that? I mean, do people actually frame these certificates and hang them on their walls? How many times do they really locate and gaze at their supposed star? Once, when they first get it? This is just a really shitty present. If someone just basically gave me a piece of paper for Christmas I'd say "Fuck you." And then I'd probably kick them in the ass for wasting $50. At least get me a gift card. Fuck Rocky Mosele.

And Merry Christmas.