I subscribe to Playboy. I know what you're thinking. "Another typical guy who just wants to look at classic pinup art and read probing celebrity interviews." Well, maybe most guys but me, I subscribe for the pictures of nude girls.
One of my favorite parts of Playboy is the Playmate Data Sheet. For the uninitiated, each Playmate of the Month fills out a data sheet that lists important facts like her height, weight, and the size of her creamers. To me, however, the most fascinating sections of the data sheet are the Ambitions, Turn-ons, and Turn-offs.
The reason I'm interested in these sections is because it recently struck me that, with a disturbing degree of regularity, Playboy Playmates list "bad hygiene" as a turn-off. Sometimes they do this by listing "good hygiene" as a turn-on but it's really the same thing.
Ladies, are there really that many guys out there with bad hygiene? I certainly have come across a few folks in my time with some serious b.o. but I didn't realize this was such a problem that it would be listed as a turn-off. And who's turned on by good hygiene? I've never once heard a woman say or had a female friend tell me, "Goddamn, that guy is so sexy with his good hygiene." Or, "He had such good hygiene that I just wanted to jump his bones."
I'm not the best looking guy in the world but I don't smell, I wash my hair, and I brush my teeth. If all it takes to get a Playmate is good hygiene, I'm moving to Los Angeles.
I always imagine that Playmates probably smell like strippers. That sort of body lotion plus baby powder scent. Since Playmates don't have much else to do but smell good and shop, it's not surprising that this is important to them. Still, I have to think this is really some sort of code and that "good hygiene" to these women really means "he keeps his Ferrari clean."
I've decided I'm going to track these Playmate Data Sheets for one year. I'm interested in the common themes that emerge. In fact, I'll be so bold as to make a couple predictions:
Average Height: 5'9"
Average Weight: 115lbs
Ambitions: Model/Actress/To have a family
Turn-Ons: Tall guys/good hygiene/a sense of humor
Turn-Offs: Bad hygiene/mean people/rain
Biggest Worry: That Iran's continued pursuit of enriched radioactive materials threatens to destabilize the geopolitical climate in the Middle East thus increasing tensions with the West and potentially leading toward a new era of Cold War with emerging powers.
Okay, I made that last one up. But I'm going to report on the others and you'll be dazzled by my powers of prognostication. I believe in these girls.
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5 comments:
Hey now, Deborah Harry was a playgirl or playbunny or whatever the hell they're called, and she turned out to be a rock star. Even Madonna turned out to be semi globally aware. You never know where posing nude will take you.
Not that I know, for the record, I'm just sayin'.
Hm, maybe there needs to be a "Nakedgrass" Calendar. Get all the great bluegrass stars to pose nude with their instruments. Bound to break a few strings, I'd say.
I think this is one of the best pieces you've written. I couldn't agree more.
Of course, you went easy on the dingbat bunnies, but I understand; gotta keep it nice because of your female readership!
We've talked about this before, but my favorite line from a playmate was years back in a Playboy video. The girl was prancing around and narrating over the top. She actually said, in that no-brained, ditzy blonde voice that I loathe, "I love being happy!"
...duh. Shut up and just be naked. That's all you count for. Sorry to be so "factual."
Yeah.
Mando - Not sure about Madonna but I think Debby Harry was a bunny. That is, she worked at the clubs and wore a costume but didn't pose naked and wasn't a centerfold. Lots of celebrities eventually decide to pose but I can't think of many who posed first and then went on to big success. Jenny McCarthy and Pam Anderson are probably the two that come to mind and neither seem like Nobel candidates. They're still basically famous for sex.
Boring - I'm sure a lot of these girls are dumb. I also think some are probably smart but they never have to worry about developing that because their looks get them everything they want. That's why these inanities spew out of even the smart ones.
...oh, you're so kind here on the blog. So generous to the dingbats that you posted about.
Why is it that Jim's always picking on you on your blog? So mean!!
I love the info sheets as well...especially when they list 'mean people' as a turn off. Again, duh!
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