Elevator Etiquette

I ride the elevator to and from the 30th floor of my building at least twice a day, every day of the year, except for a few holidays and vacations. Of course, in nearly 42 years on Earth, I've had the opportunity to ride and observe people on lots of other elevators as well. I've learned that there are a few simple rules we should all live by to make our elevator experience as pleasant as possible:

1. When you get in the elevator, press your button and, if there's room, move to the back of the elevator. I cannot fathom the person who gets in the elevator first, presses the button for her floor, and then proceeds to stand 2 millimeters from the button panel so you practically have to reach through her panties to press your own floor button.

2. As the elevator approaches your floor, you don't need to move up to stand right in front of the door. We'll let you out. Really. We will. The doors are open longer than a half second and you'll have a chance.

3. When waiting to board the elevator, don't stand right in front of the door. We all know you are the most important person in the world but when the doors open, someone may actually need to exit.

4. If you get on the elevator and someone has already pushed the button to your floor, do not push it again. This is silly superstitious behavior. The elevator knows where to go. The doors are programmed to close after a certain period of time when no one else crosses the threshhold. Your pushing a button that is already lit up is not going to make the elevator go faster.

5. Do not push the elevator button more than once. See #4.

6. Do not talk on a cell phone in the elevator. We all know how annoying it is to be subjected to these one-sided conversations. It is ten times worse in a 5'x5' prison cell.

7. If the elevator is reasonable full and, like many women I see downtown, you are carrying 47 bags of varying sizes along with a purse large enough to make Noah green with envy, wait for the next elevator.

8. Finally, it is nice when people are friendly on the elevator but please avoid inane "elevator patter" when at all possible. This includes any statements at the beginning of the day about how ready everyone is for the work day. It also includes any statements at the end of the day about how grateful you are that the day/week/month/year is over. It also includes any "TGIF" related comments. If you feel the need to utter any of these idiotic statements, realize that this is just your insecure need to say something. Don't give in. Stuff something in your stupid piehole and shut up.

There. Now I feel better. Like they say, the ride going down is always better than the ride going up.